The journey was long and tiring. Up until to this day , I don’t understand why people like to travel. Spending little money that they have to go and make themselves vulnerable to the circumstances. Excuse my bitching, I am going through a bit of mental and emotional adjustments here alongside excruciating jet lag.
“Coming back” to the UK made me drained out emotionally. Nostalgic memory dump was a bit too much to handle. The sights, the sounds and the weather release the moments from the past that I have lived and strived with everything I had. The life that I enjoyed with my little family back then. Those were happy moments that my family and I talked about over and over again. In between those delightful period lies a series of difficult times. A stomach wrenching episodes that ripped my hearts apart. I endured those times with my wife, sometimes alone whenever I felt it was too much for her to handle. It was in the past and I know the outcome of those struggles where mostly we succeeded. The pain, unfortunately, remains and resurfaced whenever I walked the streets or listened to the sounds around me. It was raining in Oxford earlier today, drenched me from the head ….and dripped down into my hearts. It’s almost surreal to be here again.
My life in the UK from 1995 to 1999 was special in many ways. Looking back through this little window with a view of so familiar English neighbourhood, I could not believe I was able to pulled my life and and that of my family’s through the thick and thin of it. Unbelievably magical.
I saw my kids started to know everything; school, friendships, etc here in this foreign land. But they went at it almost naturally. I saw my wife struggled to keep us happy with everything she had ,24/7, and that makes me feeling guilty for not doing enough. I tried and that’s all I could do. But still the shit wrecks my hearts.
And I saw myself strived to survive the days with nothing but a mere spirit to live another day. I did not know where does it come from but I could feel the strength. And “this magical strength” was the greatest gift I had. I tried to encourage my young family members (children, cousins and nieces) to find this strength but could not exactly pinpoint how to. I only know one thing-“living and studying abroad” is part of it. So every time I give advice to them I would say— go overseas or somewhere far away from home. And be yourself. Living on your own is the only way to learn about life and to know what you are capable of.
Anyway, Fajr is only a few minutes away at 5 something in the morning. I was awoken a few hours ago from a cold breeze whizzing through a window . It sipped into my bones and gripped every joint in my body excruciatingly. I forgot how cold weather can be so unforgiving; and this is not yet winter.Nevertheless , it is good to be back.
Steadyyy.
Alhamdulillah