In the old days, I would sit on the stage feeling mighty and all facing all the students/graduand that were guilty of some misbehaviour. My memory vividly identified each and every single face of them that came before my desk as whatever capacity I would be at the time. I would feel proud, nevertheless, that they survived the ordeals and wrapped up their student days with a beautiful ceremony. I hid the ugly faces behind my smiles and hoped they will change and be a better person. Honestly, I hate sitting there on the stage doing absolutely nothing for two or three hours. I could not even glance into my phone afraid my action would disrespect the VIPs and reputation of the whole ceremony. So I sat, smiled and hoped the time would pass very soon. The memories all came back to haunt me and stirred the saddest silt on the floor of my memory. In 2020, I opted for an early retirement. The best decision I’ve ever made in my life.I have achieved all the goals set thirty years ago. So I’ve got nothing to regret really. But as human you would try further to the next level to see if you were meant to be there. I guess not. If you ordered nasi lemak, you will get nasi lemak and then you leave. But sometime you would see roti canai or mee goreng and you wanted that too. There is no guarantee you will succeed and failure would make you feel miserable and useless. You know what, you don’t need that miserable shit so you better leave and tell yourself it’s okay you have done well.
People were nasty and might not only refuse to give you the roti canai you asked but would intimidate you so bad that made you cry for the first time in so many years. Sadness may not make you cry but downgrading you to mere shit put you in a deep state of frustration. Nothing will compensate your disappointment ,only tears that you jerked to make it go away.
This time around I came as a parent and as a person without any privileges or special treats. If the event is on campus, lecturers and staff are the lord of the land so we demand lordship treatments. The greetings must be there, parking spaces are reserved, and f&b must be available. That was then, but today I am just another person among the crowd finding a space along the dusty corridor to wait for time to pass. The different was I came to see my daughter smiling and celebrating her success. I felt the joy, of course, but at the same time nervous for her future that is somewhat uncertain. She has a long way ahead and for some part of the journey I would not be by her side.
I sat and watched people coming and going. The festival has started to gain momentum and the music from a loudspeaker started to annoy me. It’s hot, stuffy and the crowds were chaotic. How in the world can someone stand that? Well maybe it’s only me who felt terrible. I went around to check out the food and bought a nasi kerabu for ten ringgit. What a crazy-ass price for a nasi kerabu (blue rice with salad and sweet sour source, and roasted chicken thigh)well maybe the chicken costs more I don’t know.
By the end of the day my throat got swollen, and my head started to spin. That was too much for me ,I guess. I’m coming down with something that may ruin the rest of the year.
As always I wait for the new year to begin anew.New hope. New chapter.
Congratulations Maryam Haaziqah! And good luck!
