A week went by in 2023 and I am still struggling to find my words for what is gone in 2022 and what will be in 2023. The time flies super fast and that is the deadly disease that I am fighting against—time. My life is now not yesterday that I have been through or tomorrow that is full of uncertainty.
Happy.Today I feel better from the nasty indigestion that bloated my tummy yesterday. Nowadays feeling good in the morning is to get up early and have the energy to go for fajr prayers. But my sleep was interrupted a little bit around 3 am (my feet were cold as the morning went chilly) so getting back to sleep was hard .I was happy for being able to enjoy the stillness of the morning. Staying in the kampung, the surrounding trees and animals make you feel close to nature. It is not perfect picture of a tourist spot but this is my place and I am fortunate enough to be here. I am also delighted to meet my family and spent valuable time with joyful conversation and stories from the past. Nowadays, we hardly have the time to do such a thing.
Sad.At the same time I feel sad for my brother is still stuck with debts that seem not getting away. I have spent a big amount of money to help him but as time goes by more and more demand of unpaid debts surfaced, I decided to stop my help. The thing has gone crazy and it is now beyond our control. I feel really disappointed just to wait and see. Maybe I should prepare for the worst.
Hope. The subject that has started to fade away from me. Being ambitious needs energy and space, the two assets that I don’t have right now. Today I hope I will not do the same mistakes that I had done in the past. I could do better with my parents. Back then, I felt someone else should do it, not me. To take care of them when they were sick or helped them when the family was in trouble. When I received my scholarship while studying in the US, I never send some of it home. The selfish me did not even try to sacrifice a piece of luxury that I had. That regrets form a bulging knot in the stomach every now and then. I hope I could say better things to my students and treated them with joy and happiness. My own family should enjoy better sides of me rather the cold and straight face that I put up. Maybe I have my reasons for doing so but I could do better. For the little time left I hope life would treat me with mercy and lots of love.
Achievements. I fixed the leaking water pipe the other day. Successfully installed the rack ,mirror and towel holder in the bathroom. I was so proud of myself because I did not damage the tiles while drilling holes in the wall. Mixed the cement well to fix a cracked concrete floor. Good enough for the first time, although needs a little more effort. Studying Arabic for sometime now and started to get the hang of it. For the first time what the imam read during the prayers makes sense as I can derive the meaning. And before I knew it, the tears rolled down my cheeks. I did not try to hide it just let it flow with the verses as now I know what the verses are telling me.
I am still at the kampung up north in the peninsular of Malaysia where the monsoon rain is still pouring endlessly. The gloomy sky and incessant rain make you long for the glorious sunshine. But it is prefect time for me to retreat and start blogging. Again.
