7:28 pm at the rooftop. Just finished Iftar. Very modest with tamar, a slice of bread, coffee and zamzam water. Alhamdulillah ala kulihal. No drama today as I stayed out of trouble. Kept away from crowded zamzam station to avoid any ill-fated stares and random yelling.instead I went to my exclusive zamzam station on the second floor saie. Practically no one was there. Less spending time in the crowd as I know how to avoid it. So most of the time spent reading alQuran. I will khatam today InsyAllah.
Beautiful sky tonight — dark,extremely dark—but with positive vibes all over this place. You could feel it in the air when every face looking at you with a smile or warm gestures. Alhamdulillah I didn’t ask for more. We could remain strangers but understand each other that we came here to seek forgiveness from Allah.
Taraweeh started soon after Isya’ and finished as scheduled. These people are perfect in seeking the real meaning of Ramadhan. They came with all the energy and enthusiasm to make a perfect Ramadhan with ibadat and all.
Day and night we struggled to keep up and to follow the prayers etc. some still survived to this day but there were casualties. We waded the high tides stronger than before to prove that our very own existence is worthwhile .
Before, I read about this perfecting Ramadhan with such and such amal. Sometime even dream to have the opportunity to practice perfect Ramadhan. It was easier said than done. Sometime I felt suffocated, pressured and stressed to put myself through this. Am I still “a good muslim” without this “ perfect Ramadhan”? Not many can come here, what happen to them? It seems everything about “perfect Ramadhan” relevant here and to this place and people. Many verses in the Quran mentioned “masjidil haraam”—- since I am here in the very mosque, those ayaat just made sense. We read that same verses in Malaysia and it felt so far away. No wonder this people felt lucky because everything about Islam is theirs—-embedded in the culture and lifestyles. I felt jealous and unfair as everthing “islamic” would be an imitation of their culture and lifestyles. We, the nobody, can never be perfect and claim the same dignity.
As the final days of Ramadhan started to leave us, my mission here seems to open up new questions. Discovered a lot of hidden thoughts both private feelings and public matters. About the reality of us, muslim of the world, both intriguing facts and not so nice to talk about features. For once, I am proud to be a muslim and be part of this “imperfect” group of people. Selfish. Arrogant. Dirty. Aggresive. Poor. But with those we still survived the challenges of having each other in this small confined place. Crying and begging God for forgiveness. So human.
4:40 am. Fajr prayers.
I missed home. The “imperfect Ramadhan” that we have back home put some colors into it. Celebrating some odd things we do during the month. I miss solat taraweeh the most—- less stressful, orderly and own unique character— very melayu punya. Although I rarely go to Bazaar Ramadhan, it pacified the hours of the day we went without food. The fun and joy clearly signify BR. The odd of sahur for many family members to sit and eat at the strange time could be the highlight of Ramadhan. The Raya songs, despite some people brand it “lagha”, brought the past back to our time. As an old man memories can sometime rejuvenate the beaten spirit and forgotten faces into active and vivid moments.
Enjoy your time with family on Raya day.
