Travelling gives me a deep sickening feeling in the stomach. Triggered a chilling sensation all over my body and an inevitable pounding of headache as the day of departure draws near. I don’t know where the fun begins and the fear dissipates. I have been travelling all this while and the fun really started towards the end of the journey; when the time to head home just a few hours away. But then I found myself packing once again to pain myself on another journey. Somehow for me, in an obscured way, pain is therapeutic . Like in the last journey, I promised myself that it would be the last one. I lied. This one is gonna be the last. It has to be as my pension fund has dried out .
This year I will be 60. A scary number that will be carved into my forehead so I won’t forget. I guess this epic journey will be a celebration of a hard life I endured. Looking back, I am amazed on how I have navigated my life filled with trials and tribulations. It was difficult but made it through nevertheless. Would I change anything? well maybe Ayah could have a little bit more money so we didn’t have to be desperately poor. I could be more stronger physically so i didn’t have to beg the asshole bully head to stop beating me. That’s it everything else should remain the same.
Basically, out of that 60 years of my life, I love to repeat most of it all over again. It was such a great time and experience. But time has passed and all I have today is the memories and the impacts of those close to me.The bad ones came incessantly in my dreams to hurt and to bleed again. They gobbled my head so strongly that I thought my life was full of shit. The good ones emerged once in a while and they made me smile and felt worthwhile again.
For the time left, I want to create new memories with new friends in the world new to me. The problem is my mind still own the old me, fear of everything and afraid of losing myself. So maybe I need to go on this journey just to discover my new self. In my last journey, I found that my state of mind was so vulnerable when facing new experiences .The epic journey that brought me back to the cold and lonely world that I left long time ago. Some time along the journey , however, I didn’t want to leave.
I hope for this journey will be fun and exciting as well .But again ……
